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Posts Tagged ‘communication’

Dear Idiots,

I’m not sure which walk of my life thus far has led me to the lot of you or what special moment we shared that made you add me as a friend on Facebook but I am truly grateful that you did.

In real life, you seem like your average drug-addled freak show but there’s so much more to you, isn’t there? Had we restricted our friendship to uncomfortable pleasantries in the street I might never have known your complete inability to use a capitalized letter correctly. An impressive, if not somewhat alarming, talent!

I often wonder how exactly you have managed to complete any amount of education writing sentences like this.

caNt BlaME u sIncE u cNT drink NEthIn eLse iN THe OveN ryT nW, bT YEaH JD or jEiGEr shUD b gUD enUf nww I reckOn

[More importantly, I wonder why your friend has to drink in an oven]

Now, I imagine you’ve already sold your parents for drugs and probably have no one to tell you these things so please, allow me!

1) A capital letter is not to be used for decoration. They have something called fonts for that. Yeah, I know- you’re shocked but there really is something out there both completely sensible and decorative that won’t make you look like a complete fool on the internet.

2) With so much communication happening via text (an often emotionless medium – depending on your writing skills) – e-mails, chat, SMS- people often write sentences in capital letters to denote yelling.

Example:

WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR 15 MINUTES!

Therefore, when your status is “ i’M iN tHE pOrTal. iT’s CoMIng fr You NXt!“ you come across as a severely bi-polar individual switching effortlessly between crazy screaming man and calm individual. You might want to consider that this can be frightening and cause people to hide, run or call the cops when you approach them.

3) As with every rule there is an exception – if you are writing a ransom note by cutting out letters from a magazine, it is quite alright and no one will fault your for it. The kidnapping, on the other hand, may be frowned upon.

In closing, let me remind you that there will be no lack of opportunities in your life to capitalize a letter.  It is hardly as though you could fall short. I will not go into all the possibilities right now but let me assure you, under normal circumstances, you will never have to nor should you ever feel the need to, place an upper-case letter in the middle of a word.

Sincerely,

“A Friend”

P.S: Can you tell me on what basis you eliminate vowels from some words? I really have no idea how to do this. Does this work? dt – for idiot?

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Dear Colleague,

You are so very very boring. You know nothing interesting. Everything you say is dull- to say the least. You aren’t even funny. Your idea of amusing someone is heinous and comparable only to verbal throat slitting. It’s completely okay. Not everyone can be blessed with charm, good looks and a rocking sense of humour which has brought funny to nearly ONE THOUSAND people.

I understand. I totally get it. As repayment for my kindness and empathy all I ask is that you not talk to me. How about our conversations start at Hello and end at Goodbye – and there’s nothing in between that. How about you sense that when you are chortling away at that, your most unfunny witticisms – I am cringing. When you read out other people’s out-of-office e-mails to me I can’t help but wonder about the head injury that made you this way. You sometimes make my soul throw up a little. I sit cowering at my desk from fear that out of the blue you will begin telling me about Twilight. I love vampires but not Twilight.

Let us only discuss the portions of our work that intersect – not church, family and the twinkling undead. Do that for me so that I do not, one day, tell you that I hate you. Or slap you in the face. Or tie you to a chair and make you watch documentaries about socks. Knowing you, you might enjoy it. Sigh.

P.S: Why do you not know that You’re is YOU+ARE and your is different. Didn’t you ever watch Friends?

 

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Does anyone else think it’s strange when you’re standing in line outside a public toilet (someone’s inside) and a person comes up to you and asks if you’re waiting to go in?

Besides the obvious, here are my Top 10 responses to this redundant question.

 

 

10. No. I just sell the tickets.

09. I’m stalking the person inside. I’ll be gone as soon as they are.

08. No. I’m doing a survey of people’s satisfaction levels at this toilet.

07. My pet monkey’s in there. He likes to pee on mirrors.

06. I’m the public health inspector. I shake people’s hands when they come out to make sure they’ve washed up.

05. I was just doing some research for my new perfume. I’m thinking of calling it Eau de Toilet. What do you think?

04. Nah. Just keeping a look out for my friends in case the cops get here before the bomb’s ready.

03. I’m just collecting stool samples for my collection of crap from around the world. Try not to flush.

02. I’m married to the bathroom door and it doesn’t like to let me out of its sight.

01. I’m in line but I’ll only be in a minute. Just need to grab the surveillance tapes for my website.

 

 

In closing, I would like to reiterate there are no more than two reasons for a person to be standing outside a toilet. If they are standing outside, it’s probably because someone is inside. So asking if there’s anyone in there is a pretty stupid (bordering on brain dead) question to ask as well.

 

 

P.S : If you must nap, bathe or read in the toilet have a shred of decency and go home!

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We also have an Instant Messenger service.

Here are some of the stranger conversations I’ve had on this thing

 

BACKSTORY : This was the day they were going to announce the verdict on Babri Masjid. I was too busy to watch the news

4:53 PM ME:

Any News ?

4:54 PM RIDICULOUS COLLEAGUE

No idea. If they’re giving it for some agricultural purpose then I am interested

If you’re wondering why this is strange, it’s because my job is literally the polar oppositie of farming. Except of course, if we were talking about something like wheat hedges.

BACKSTORY: This colleague is British. The role of ridiculous colleague is played by me.

1:45 PM RIDICULOUS COLLEAGUE (ME):

Good luck for your meeting with CLIENT XXX today.

1:46 PM RANDOM COLLEAGUE

I think I’m just going to concentrate on the lunch

1:48 PM RIDICULOUS COLLEAGUE (ME):

Yeah do that! Don’t forget to stuff some food in your pants

1:49 PM RANDOM COLLEAGUE

MY PANTS ?

1:50 PM RIDICULOUS COLLEAGUE (ME):

Umm yeah. Or your shirt. You know ..whatever

1:52 PM RANDOM COLLEAGUE

Ahh. I think you mean trousers. Pants mean boxers in England.

 EPIC FAIL!!!

BACKSTORY: Sometimes you get the feeling you’re being hit on but you can never really tell.

Damned text speak.

9:59 PM RANDOM FEMALE COLLEAGUE

thanx for your help

9:59 PM FEMALE ME

no problem

 10:0[‘D1-BALQ’]0 PM RANDOM FEMALE COLLEAGUE

u knw wat..i mistook XXXX to b u wen she cm to XXXX ..n went n greeted her

 10:02 PM FEMALE ME

hahhaha – People are always calling me XXXX here – so you’re not alone

10:03 PM RANDOM FEMALE COLLEAGUE

oh

10:20 PM RANDOM FEMALE COLLEAGUE

ur funny

we shud meet

 While I am extremely funny, this was not even one of my Top 5000 moments. Imagine if I had told her a joke!  

Backstory: I had lost my mobile and had to change my number. At this point in time I had already been incommunicado for many weeks

6:10 PM Colleague/Friend

just on a call

as soon as the call is over, we can move

 6:11 PM Ridiculous Colleague ( ME ):

kewl

i got a number

6:11 PM Colleague/Friend:

and…

6:13 PM Ridiculous Colleague ( ME )

and what?

it started also

6:14 PM Colleague/Friend:

and…

6:14 PM Ridiculous Colleague ( ME:

a phone also

6:14 PM Colleague/Friend:

arent u supposed to say something?

6:15 PM Ridiculous Colleague ( ME):

thanks ?

6:15 PM Colleague/Friend:

something tht follows ur earlier statement

and y wud u say thanks to me????

6:16 PM Ridiculous Colleague ( ME):

dude i have no idea

concentrate on your call

6:16 PM Colleague/Friend:

think abt it

6:17 PM Ridiculous Colleague ( ME):

about the call?

6:17 PM Colleague/Friend:

no abt wat u said

and wat u r supposed to say after tht

6:18 PM Ridiculous Colleague ( ME):

oh the number..

hahhaha

that’s it, isn’t it?

6:18 PM Colleague/Friend:

halleluja

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