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Posts Tagged ‘random’

The things I learned the hard way and the things I just plain made up:

  • A bird in hand is worth two in a bush just as a million dollars stuffed in your mattress is worth two invested in a sketchy hedge fund.
  • A good conscience is a soft pillow but a soft pillow is an assurance of not being able to move your neck for many days.
  • A light purse makes a heavy heart but a Chanel purse goes with everything.

Well, maybe not everything

  • Cleanliness is next to Godliness but a Café Coffee Day is always near a Barista – which truly makes no sense to me at all.
  • A fool and his money are soon parted. An alcoholic and his kids are soon parted as well but mostly by Child Protective Services.
  • A watched pot never boils. Boiling pot is never a good idea.
  • Cut your coat according to your cloth – and the size of your hips.
  • A rolling stone gathers no moss but the Rolling Stones have gathered some.
  • Bad news travels fast, so do bad smells.
  • Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Presents work just as well.
  • A drowning man will clutch at straws but a drunken man will go for your chest.
  • Children should be seen and not heard – as should white rappers.

Actually, we could live without seeing them too

  • Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Looking someone you just met in the mouth is also not advisable.
  • A friend in need is a friend indeed but a friend in velvet should be ignored in the street.

Seriously, cross the street and run!

  • Laughter is the best medicine but if this post didn’t do it for you there’s always Prozac.

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When your life has become terribly dull.

When even the funny stuff isn’t funny enough to post about.

When you spend nine hours – at work – trying to think up a good idea and come up with nothing.

Where do you draw inspiration from ?

Why, Microsoft Paint of course!

And you guys thought I had a post. LOL!

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Dear Colleague,

You are so very very boring. You know nothing interesting. Everything you say is dull- to say the least. You aren’t even funny. Your idea of amusing someone is heinous and comparable only to verbal throat slitting. It’s completely okay. Not everyone can be blessed with charm, good looks and a rocking sense of humour which has brought funny to nearly ONE THOUSAND people.

I understand. I totally get it. As repayment for my kindness and empathy all I ask is that you not talk to me. How about our conversations start at Hello and end at Goodbye – and there’s nothing in between that. How about you sense that when you are chortling away at that, your most unfunny witticisms – I am cringing. When you read out other people’s out-of-office e-mails to me I can’t help but wonder about the head injury that made you this way. You sometimes make my soul throw up a little. I sit cowering at my desk from fear that out of the blue you will begin telling me about Twilight. I love vampires but not Twilight.

Let us only discuss the portions of our work that intersect – not church, family and the twinkling undead. Do that for me so that I do not, one day, tell you that I hate you. Or slap you in the face. Or tie you to a chair and make you watch documentaries about socks. Knowing you, you might enjoy it. Sigh.

P.S: Why do you not know that You’re is YOU+ARE and your is different. Didn’t you ever watch Friends?

 

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I’m not sure when it happened but a while ago Thursday became the day we all met to consume copious amounts of alcohol. I do not drink (honestly!) so I just end up drinking Coke or Coffee… A Caffeine high is as good as any if you ask me!

Yesterday it was just me and another friend…him drinking alcohol and me drinking Thums Up (which kept me up till 4 a.m., thank you very much).

As we sat there across from each other drinking and chatting, I suddenly noticed my friend was no longer listening to me and in fact, staring right past me, looking quite angry. I turned around to find that the man behind us had stood up and was staring back at my friend. This is the conversation that followed

Middle-Aged Drunk Man: What are you looking at?

My Friend, Also Drunk: You

Middle-Aged Drunk Man: What the hell for?

My Friend, Also Drunk: You were looking at her (points to bedraggled, just out of work, me)

Middle-Aged Drunk Man (Looks at me. Gasps. Looks horrified): HER???

Me (pretty much to myself): Thanks man! That’s great for my self esteem. Wouldn’t want it to get too high.

My Friend, Also Drunk: Yes, her!

Some alocohol and testosterone induced incoherent conversation ensues which I don’t remember now. Then:

Middle-Aged Drunk Man: Are you gay? Is that why you’re looking at me?

My Friend, Also Drunk : Could be

Middle-Aged Drunk ( & apparently homophobic ) Man: Umm Okay ( sits down )

A few minutes later, he stands up again. Stares at my friend some more.

My Friend, Also Drunk : Why are you looking at ME? Are you gay?

Middle-Aged Drunk ( & definitely homophobic) Man: Leaves bar

This friend of mine is 6 feet and 7 inches tall. Him standing up might have made for a better ending than this. So as not to disappoint you, I have rewritten the ending of this particular episode of my life:

REWIND

My Friend, Also Drunk : Why are you looking at ME? Are you gay?

He stands up.

Eye of tiger starts playing on the jukebox. (Yes, in this version there’s a jukebox.)

The fight escalates.

It continues as in a movie scene. Flying into the air, et al

The song changes. Total Eclipse of the Heart fills the bar.

They both soften ( I have a dirty joke to put here but this just isn’t that kind of blog ), stare deep into each others eyes. Finally, they embrace – passionately. ( Man, I’m creepy. I guess this is that kind of blog after all )

I leave the bar. As I try to hail a rickshaw, it begins to rain. I am holding back tears, thinking about how I don’t have someone.

I look up. A handsome stranger is standing in front of me.

He steals my bag.

FIN


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To say that I am a person ” in the know ” would be a rather great exaggeration. I am in fact, always the last to know most things.

Some of the more recent information I wish I had known earlier:

• People did not like Red Riding Hood ( I actually thought it was quite good )

• It is now acceptable to wear a striped shirt with striped pants. ( While I see this – daily – on more than a few people in my office, it always comes as a shock to me )

• You can churn out the most terrible music video for $2000 and become an overnight sensation. Had I known, I would’ve done it years ago.

Thus far, I have managed quite nicely. Watching bad movies, wearing non-jailclothes style outfits and having no internet fame to speak of has been good enough for me. But when no one tells you that they have gone and added another O in the word lose, you know it has gone too far.

Yes, another O! O as in O Holy Mother of Misspellings, Batman! O!

I’ll admit, it has always loomed over me; the possibility that this was true. I had always suspected it, felt an eerie premonition that my suspicion might be fact. It had been many years since I’d seen anyone spell the word correctly. As with anything you wish not to accept, large doses of denial do wonders to drown out doubt.

It was only when the truth laid itself bare before me like Kate Winslet in Titanic ( what a great movie btw! ) that I had no choice but to believe what inside, I may have always known. The word LOSE had lo(o)st it’s meaning. I had an e-mail to prove it.

From: My Manager

Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 3:32 PM

To: Our Team

Subject: Clean-Desks

Do not keep any lose papers on your desks or in your drawers.

So what’s a girl to do when she knows her gose is coked? I suppose I’ll take some time out to recover – Dive teary headfirst into a scop of icecream , maybe some moousse, even some boze ? Moby that’ll help , just moby! I mean maybe

 

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Saturday and Sunday! These are the only two days I get off a week (That doesn’t sound right, does it?). I spend Saturday sleeping in, then bouncing off the walls with excitement, watching movies, drinking coffee, meeting my four friends ( Yeah, I’m not the most popular person in the world). Sunday, on the other hand, is mostly spent doubled over in woe at the fact that I have to go back to work the next day.

This Saturday, however, is different. It is the final of the cricket World Cup, which each and every single person I know will be watching. The plan is to congregate at the usual location for this 10 hour long sporting event. Unfortunately for me, watching the elderly and unfit move slowly along a sunny ground is possibly less interesting than having to watch beige paint dry.

To allay my boredom, I’m going to take on a small project for the duration of the game. Building a vacuum cleaner! I couldn’t possibly begin to explain the train-wreck of thought that led me to this but it beats the hell out of a slow death by cricket.

Summing up, the post that is about to unveil before you is a detailed account of my completely ridiculous attempt to build a vacuum cleaner – at a coffee place – while all my friends have their eyeballs glued to a large projector screen.

To start with, I down a cup of coffee and set out in the heat of the afternoon to buy the “apparatus”. I’m back with everything I need…

PLASTICS JAR or BOTTLE

 

GARDEN HOSE

 

KITCHEN SPONGE

 

SILICONE

 

ELECTRIC PUMP

Great news! There is nowhere in the city where you can buy this.

Here I am, a full day’s wages later, with three-quarters of the things I need to make a vacuum cleaner, no possible way to do it and seven more hours of the game to go.

So what did I do with all these things? ( I swear, my “models” did not do this under duress. )

GARDEN HOSE

I know what you’re thinking. ” That’s all they could come up with for the hose ? ” But no, none of the other pictures were anything that these two could allow on the internet.

SILICON

BEFORE

AFTER

KITCHEN SPONGE

Not just a kitchen sponge anymore!

In hindsight, there were other things I could’ve done to pass my time. Slept. Stayed home! Watched TV. Read a book. Instead, I chose to take up this completely futile task which was over much before it started.

On the bright side, at least we won!

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Okay so last night I was watching this show on TV called Make it or Break It. Now from what I’ve heard, I’m utterly alone when I say this but I really really like it. It has all the elements a good TV show should – bad acting, cheesy lines and The Bold-and-the-Beautiful style sub-plots.

Yesterday’s episode in particular was quite exciting for me because it was when I realized that one of the characters was also an actress from another show I used to enjoy. Guess who ?

THEN

 

NOW

 

Yes!

DJ Tanner of Full House fame is also ” I have no idea what her name is on the show” on Make It or Break It.

In terms of the shows, they are nearly the same with only the slightest changes to bring it into the new millenia but the main themes are all still there.

Full House stopped airing in 1995. So if anyone was wondering, that’s how long it takes for child stars to spend all their money and have to start working again. Not bad if you ask me! See you in another 10 years ( considering inflation and what not ) kid from Two and a Half Men.

While I was writing this rambling post about nothing, I also got to thinking about other lesser sports that might make good TV show premises.

Curling

Not familiar with the sport ? Basically, competitors help guide a 42-pound granite stone towards a target — on a giant sheet of ice — using brooms. The episode possibilities are endless : two “curlers” fall in love, a teammate falls through the ice or breaks a toe on the granite stone, someone secretly uses a state of the art curling broom for ordinary sweeping? I’d watch it

Racewalking

I guess this isn’t really a team sport but still, the life of a racewalker; always having to careen through life but without ever breaking into a jog or slowing to a stroll. His friends are all olympic runners and his love interest is played by someone too large to walk briskly. He’d be torn. It’d be amazing.

Biathlon

As the name suggests this is a combination of two sporting events. Skiing and its obvious companion rifle shooting. Yup, competitors ski race along a flat, snowy surface with a rifle attached to their backs and periodically stop to fire their rifles at targets. Guns lead to violence which always makes for good TV.

Throwing vampires in to the mix ( as all show creators are wont to do these days ) would definitely push the show to the outer realms of well, watchability but coming from someone who religiously watches both Vampire Diaries and Make it or Break It I may not be the authority.

( For those of you judging me, remember at least I don’t watch Twilight )

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