Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Shopping’

Love! Love is such a many splendored thing or so I’ve heard from the Moulin Rouge movie. You meet a girl – she’s smart, funny and everything you ever dreamed of. You think she may the one but a few months in you start to wonder if something is amiss.

You Google “signs she’s psycho” but are led to Office Oddities’ “5 Signs she thinks you’re a Psycho Killer not a friend”. This is not helpful at all.

So for those of you who reach here wondering how to know whether she’s going to kill you in your sleep- read on!

  • Her favourite movie is called Obsessed.
  • The walls of her house are red and the paint is always “wet”
  • Sometimes you wake up and there’s a full English breakfast waiting for you which is sweet except, she didn’t spend the night and doesn’t have a key ( as far as you know )
  • She leaves cute little notes and presents at your desk at work. She works at the other end of town and you work in a high security building.
  • For Christmas she takes you to visit her parents – at the mental institution.
  • You’ve seen a marked increase in the number of knives in the kitchen since you started dating her. The butter knives are okay but the machetes worry you.
  • All your ex-girlfriends have died in freak “accidents”.
  • You login in to Facebook and realize you somehow have only one friend- her!
  • She’s met your parents, seen your childhood home and met all your high school friends – without you.
  • When you look back at old photos of you, you notice she’s always in the background.
Advertisements

Read Full Post »

To My Feet,

My, you used to be hideous – extremely so. Especially when you grew to full size much before I did. There I was, maybe 13 years old, somewhere in the area of 5 feet where you were an incongruous size 9. I suppose we both hurt each other, didn’t we? Remember that one time, when I asked to see that pair of shoes in my size and was asked to visit the men’s section. Me spending years forcing you into in size seven shoe. You understand, don’t you? Skateboards were certainly not allowed at school and I was only protecting myself from being mistaken for having TWO for feet.

Though lately – and I’m not sure when it happened or I first began to notice – you are no longer as horrid. I often find myself gazing down in wonder at you as I walk. As you know (obviously) I walk really fast. I wonder if I look like a crazy person careening through life looking at my feet but it’s worth it. After avoiding looking at you for all these years, it is worth it.

So I just want to say thank you. Thank you bearing the weight I’ve just put on, for being too giant to fit into any of the shoes I like – I save so much money that way and now, when I’m all done with teenage insecurity becoming reasonably nice to look at.

Love, Love

(Not in a creepy way and my love for feet applies only to you – no one else’s)

Read Full Post »

I read an article in the newspaper yesterday called ” 5 signs she thinks you’re a friend, not a boyfriend“. Read this before you proceed.

Basically, it’s for boy’s to know whether they’ve slipped past being datable and into the dreaded ” friend ” zone. The article seems thoroughly misguided to me and ( because I now have the platform ) I feel like it’s my job to correct this article.

So how do you know your advances are going too far? How do you know if she thinks you’re hunky, her flunky or just plain serial–killer in the making? Read on:

5. She avoids you in public

She doesn’t mind texting or G-talking you but when she sees you out in public, she turns and runs. Especially when public means “waiting room at her gynecologist “or “her great-grandmothers 90th birthday picnic (in a different city)”

4. She brings a pal on a date

So you finally got her to say yes to a date, but she brings a friend along. She says she thought you’ll were just ‘hanging out’ so it would be alright. The friend is wearing running shoes and carrying a baseball bat. Every time you lean in too close, you sense the friend is raising the bat over your head.

3. She asks for favours

She is collecting forensic evidence to assist the police investigation should you succeed in killing her. If she asks you to leave your shoe, foot and finger prints in paper and strands of hair for various “science” projects she’s doing, get the hint.

2. She cringes at touch

Friends usually touch: shake hands, hug etc. So if she cringes, screams and generally, flips-out every time you touch her, your chances aren’t looking so good. Do a small test: run up behind her and put your arms around her. Say it’s you. If she pepper sprays you and starts blowing a rape whistle, she has every intention of testifying against you in the criminal proceedings.

1. She talks about other men

She is always discussing the other men she knows. She’ll comment on how tall they are, how much they bench, which of them works for the police. This is to make it clear to you that

a) people will notice if she disappears

b) Should you ever try anything, there’ll be an army of men gunning for you.

Like this on Facebook

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: