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Posts Tagged ‘tips’

Love! Love is such a many splendored thing or so I’ve heard from the Moulin Rouge movie. You meet a girl – she’s smart, funny and everything you ever dreamed of. You think she may the one but a few months in you start to wonder if something is amiss.

You Google “signs she’s psycho” but are led to Office Oddities’ “5 Signs she thinks you’re a Psycho Killer not a friend”. This is not helpful at all.

So for those of you who reach here wondering how to know whether she’s going to kill you in your sleep- read on!

  • Her favourite movie is called Obsessed.
  • The walls of her house are red and the paint is always “wet”
  • Sometimes you wake up and there’s a full English breakfast waiting for you which is sweet except, she didn’t spend the night and doesn’t have a key ( as far as you know )
  • She leaves cute little notes and presents at your desk at work. She works at the other end of town and you work in a high security building.
  • For Christmas she takes you to visit her parents – at the mental institution.
  • You’ve seen a marked increase in the number of knives in the kitchen since you started dating her. The butter knives are okay but the machetes worry you.
  • All your ex-girlfriends have died in freak “accidents”.
  • You login in to Facebook and realize you somehow have only one friend- her!
  • She’s met your parents, seen your childhood home and met all your high school friends – without you.
  • When you look back at old photos of you, you notice she’s always in the background.
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Arguing with Idiots

I have two friends ( henceforth,  referred to as Tall and Taller ).

**  Note: I did consider a few other pseudonyms, the old favourite: Dumb and Dumber ; Kill-me-I’m-so-annoying and Seriously-Kill-Me-right-now but because I’m such a nice person, I went with Tall and Taller.

So they are loud, pompous , obnoxious and really quite ridiculous. No no, I kid. They are actually quite lovely. They’re both funny, smart, charming etc. etc.

One of the more charming attributes they share is the ability to discuss to death the most utterly mundane things on the planet; the kind of things that good conversationalists would not touch with a 10 ft pole. And much to the delight of everyone they know, these arguments aren’t restricted to each other.

If you are to ever have the good fortune of meeting this dynamic duo or others like them avoid saying controversial things that would spark a huge, seemingly endless debate. Some examples are below:

  • What a hot day it is!

 

  • Could I have some water?

 

  • I watched ” Insert Movie Name ” . I quite liked it.

 

They kind of remind me of that poem we learned in school. How did that go again ? Oh Yeah

” Mary Mary Quite contrary

How fricking long can this argument go?

 

With garbled responses and not many facts, as long as it takes you to grow an afro”

Yeesh, I guess it’s safe to say that poetry writing is not one of my many talents but I can rhyme at least : -(

Anyway, I suppose because they have so much of practice in the matter, they do win quite a few arguments. For those who have trouble winning a fight or back down when they suspect they may not be right, read on for a few tips on how never to  lose an argument.

– Always ensure the topic of discussion is :

a) Not worth more than a 2 minute back and forth.

b) Something that no one in their right mind would care to discuss.

– Talk loudly – so loudly that the other person can barely hear themselves think, leave alone retort. If they do manage to, talk over them so you never have to hear an opposing idea.

 – The fact that you never listen to counter-arguments gives you another advantage. You can take the argument anywhere, make it about anything. You know you have successfuly accomplished this from the vexed look on the other person’s face.

– Infuriate your opponent. Even name calling is not beneath you if it means you win the argument.

– Lastly, no matter how wrong you are, NEVER admit it. You know how normal people, when presented with hard facts would say ” Hmm that could be right. I should look it up” . DO NOT EVER DO THIS. Make convoluted statements based only on : 

a) someone else’s opinion

b) an absurd idea that you could possible understand the human psyche and a steadfast belief that no one on earth but you does.

c) ( when all else fails ) things you have made up.

Disclaimer : Honestly, I’ve seen Tall and Taller lose countless  arguments ( every one I’ve seen coming to think of it ) but for the person who dared attempt to argue with them, the win comes at the cost of several hours of their life, their sanity and even hair in cases ( pulled out in sheer frustration ). So even though you’ve lost you’ve won!

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