If it was up to me, I’d be a star. My mommy has confirmed that I have all the makings. So understandably, I have often been baffled at my lack of worldwide acclaim and adoring fans.
Why haven’t I been invited to hand out the lifetime achievement awards at the Oscars? Why haven’t I been invited to the Oscars? Why doesn’t Oscar de La Renta send me free stuff to wear at all the parties I attend. ( Have I said Oscar too much ? ) Why have I not been Freshly Pressed ? Why am I not followed around by the paparazzi when I step out to get coffee?
NOTE: Honestly, I’m not so surprised at the last one. I’m not sure we have a paparazzi. Mostly, because even our major other celebrities look like hell.
Then one day it finally struck me, I WAS famous – but secretly. It was the only logical explanation. My fame and fantastic-ness ( is that a word ? ) has to be kept under-wraps. Oh yes, I am the double-oh-seven of the celebrated. Outstanding, just not in an obvious kind of way.
So how did I uncover the truth ? Elementary, my poor confused readers.
All the signs were right there:
• People do not ask me to autograph otherwise unseen parts of their bodies.
• I do not have a drinking problem.
• I’ve never been on MTM Crib’s or the Fabulous Life.
• I often see people staring at me on the street or on the train. ( I had mistakenly attributed this to me being covered in food quite often and having long chats with myself.)
• When I go out without make-up, pictures of me do not appear on the cover of all the tabloids.
• No one has ever given me swag / a swag / a swag bag.
• I do not actually know the correct usage of the word swag.
Now that you’re convinced, you must want to know why this has been kept quiet for so long? The answer to this is quite simple as well. It’s a plot by the company I work from to keep from having to pay me more. So if anyone asks, you’ve never heard of me.
Office Oddities 
