Party People

You’re at a party. A birthday or an anniversary party perhaps. There you are, ingraining yourself into fellow party-goers memories for a long long time ( if you’re doing it correctly at least)

So how do you want to be remembered and how are you going to make sure you are?

Listed below are the various roles one can at assume at a party:

• The Host

Everybody remembers the host of a party – it would be extremely weird not to. So pretend it’s your house, your party – you are the guest of honour. Follow people around asking if you can get them anything or give them a tour. Pick up after them. Say thank you when they compliment the venue, the decor, the food. Go so far as to open the presents.

• The D.J

Bring your own iPod to the party. Stand near the music system all night dancing while fending off other people’s attempt to play something else. Think Kung Fu fighting. The music should be completely obscure and totally unenjoyable. Everytime a song comes on scream ” Wooooooooooooooo. I love this song ”

• The Drunk One

If you’re a reasonably good actor, this can be done without consuming any alcohol. However, if your acting skill are comparable only to Tara Reid then you might just have to consume a whole bottle of whiskey before the party and then drink more when you get there. This is how you do it. Go right up close to people, insult their wives/girlfriends/clothes, slurring the whole time. When they get mad at you, start crying – weep loudly telling them how your mother never gave you any attention and your father was never around. When they have calmed down, insult their wives/girlfriend/clothes some more.

Beyond a point, you may not be able to drink anymore. At this time, do not stop pouring yourself drinks. Walk through the party dropping alcohol on everyone as you go. Throwing up on guests will increase your chances of being remembered for a long time.

• The Socializer

Flit from group to group being over friendly. Greet everyone you see with, ” Oh my God. It’s been so long. ” Hug them. Needless to say, this works best if you don’t know most of the people at the party. Involve yourself in all conversations. From the mundane ( weather, movies etc.) to the uber personal ( death, divorce, unemployment) chime in with your comments and advice. The more forward you are, the more chance of you being remembered by all at the party and who knows, maybe something you say could save a life or marriage or someone could slap you – a risk worth taking, I think.

• The Lone Dancer

Stand in the centre of the room dancing slowly with your eyes closed. Doing this at a dinner party where there is no dance floor or music for that matter would be best. If there is music, make sure you don’t dance in time to the music. Turn round and round slowly while swaying your arms near your face. Do not – I repeat do not open your eyes or stop dancing till the party is over.

• The Cool Guy

Sit in a corner, by yourself, wearing shades and a hat; a cigar in one and hand, a glass of Scotch in the other. Bob your head only ever so slightly to the music. This is very important. Too slight a head-bob may be imperceptible but an overeager one will defeat the purpose altogether and make you look like an idiot. Ensure that you don’t speak to anyone – not even the host ( the real one or otherwise ). Going to parties where you don’t know anyone and haven’t been invited would be most effective in adding that air of mystery required for this look.

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Traffic Troubles and Trout

What do you do when you’re stuck in traffic for an hour completely alone except for the rickshaw driver?

Turn on your i Pod. Listen to Fergie. Wish you were Fergilicious

Read the back of the shampoo bottle you just bought.

Think about whether you really do have dull, brittle hair?

Watch the bald man who has stepped out of his car to yell at everyone and direct traffic.

Attempt to inspect the veins bulging in his head. He is standing quite close.

Wonder if his head will explode?

Wonder what you would do if his head did explode?

Decide you really like the top you’re wearing– which is white. You wouldn’t want it to be covered in blood and brain. Pray his head doesn’t explode.

Look at your reflection in the window of the car next to you. Think you’re looking quite nice today.

Make faces at your reflection.

Pout.

Stick your tongue out of your mouth.

Try to touch your nose with it.

Realize the driver is looking back at you.

Hide.

Attempt to go on Facebook from your phone. Nearly burst into tears at the fact that your internet isn’t working.

Think about how much you hate Facebook. It wouldn’t have been fun anyway.

Decide this should go on your blog.

Think about what you would call the post. Traffic – trouble – something.

Think about whether you abuse your power to alliterate. Decide you don’t.

Traffic – Trouble – Trout?

Does trout taste nice?

Do they just give it to you fried or can they make gravy out of it?

Baked trout?

Make a note to Google trout.

Feel hungry.

Fear you might never get out of this traffic. Rummage through your bag for things to eat in case you have to live in the rickshaw.

Decide that your peach and almond nail cream will do.

Will you help the driver or will it come down to survival of the fittest? Every man for himself?

You’re bigger than that. He can have the shampoo you bought. The protein in it is identical to that in hair so it should be edible.

Notice that the other seven people who’ve left their cars to direct traffic have succeeded. You’re home free.

Realize you could’ve just walked.

Oh well!

 

 

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Part 2: Cricket, Cleaner, Crazy & Chamillionaire

The epic fail with the vacuum cleaner now behind me and six more hours of cricket before me, I decided to take a journey of exploration through the music on my iPod. You’d imagine that I would already know what was on it but having an unfortunate internet service provider and a computer from pre-history doesn’t really allow me much downloading. For this reason, my iPod has music from family, several friends and even some random acquaintances.

Though I was already aware that there was music on this thing not exactly to my taste, I’m still slightly shocked by some of the things I found.

Grown and Sexy, Chamillionaire

This is a lovely little diddy about a woman whose ass Chamillionaire ( connoisseur of the derriere as it were ) has deemed be better than the, you know, front-facing view. Not to say there’s anything wrong with her front. It’s just that her face is the Mona Lisa but her ass is a masterpiece. Now aren’t those the words that every girl just longs to hear ? Does that guy know how to give a compliment or what ?

Sugar, System of a Down

Dear lord! This is the perfect song..for when maniacal ravings are your flavour for the day. While it is possible that my lacking in intellect prevented me from fully comprehending this song, the near seamless move from the Kombucha mushroom people to the lead singer having killed everyone was quite rightly beyond me.

My Ba*ls, SNOT

Like me, you might think that the song title is far too obvious to actually be about well, male genitalia. Coming from a band that called themselves Snot, this is not the case. All at once, I have too many things to say and no words to say them with.

At this point, I’m not entirely sure whether to just clear out my iPod or the whole lot of the “music” bearers with it. So much for journeys of explorations: Spice Girls and Britney, here I come!

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